I identify as asexual, as you may or may not have noticed. This means, essentially, that I don’t experience sexual attraction towards anyone. It doesn’t mean that I am anti-sex or a person who shames people for having sex. Nor does it mean that I will never have sex or that I don’t have any sexual thoughts. In fact, asexuality can mean all sorts of things for different people, with the only constant factor being the lack of sexual attraction.
At least, that’s what I understand. Do let me know if I have anything off.
Asexuality isn’t the most well known sexual orientation. It wasn’t until I discovered tumblr that I ever heard the term asexual, along with demisexual and gray-asexual. Right away,it sort of clicked for me. I pretty much thought, “Well, maybe I am asexual.” But I rather dismissed that thought. There were a few reasons, I suppose, that I did. I didn’t want to accept that about myself. For some reason, asexuality had a sort of stigma around it that my already accepted pansexuality did not. I would never judge another person who identified as asexual, of course, but how one perceives and judges themselves is often different as how they perceive and judge others, I’ve found. Not only that, but I fantasized (and still do) about having sex, and I thought that invalidated asexuality for me (It’s doesn’t). Besides all that, I have a rather strong kinky side, and I am rather interested in BDSM. How could I be kinky and still be asexual? Of course, the answer is, I can.
It took a long time to figure out that I am asexual. I talked to someone who was kinky and ace. I followed a lot of asexual themed tumblrs and blogs. I supported asexuality, though I didn’t identify as it at the time. But it was at least a year before I revisited the topic of my own possible asexuality – rather inconveniently right in the middle of my first relationship. I didn’t handle it well, to say the least, but things worked out in the end.
Even then, though, I doubted myself quite a bit. There was no pride, in those firsts few weeks, in being ace. I felt like some kind of freak, like I would never be fulfilled. It didn’t help that the only two people I came out too didn’t exactly have positive reactions. One, my mother, thinks that I am too young to know that I am asexual. Not that she really understood the term. The other, my friend, informed me that sex is amazing, and that my opinion will change once I have it.
This, not surprisingly, made me doubt myself even more. I didn’t know anyone on the asexual spectrum in real life, which was another factor. Mostly, though I was scared. Scared to admit that I wasn’t “normal.” Scared to think that I wasn’t even sure I knew what sexual attraction was.
Somehow, I’m not sure how, I managed to overcome my fear. I still have doubts, and I’m still figuring out aspects of asexuality. But this blog has most certainly helped me, especially since I don’t have anyone to talk to about this sort of thing, and I’m too anxious to approach anyone on the internet. Ah, the troubles of a person with social anxiety. Of course, I’m always up for talking through email or IM if anyone wants to.
In the end, I’m a pretty content, proud asexual, which hasn’t stopped me from being hesitant to come out to people that I know. Not that this is new, I’m really awkward when it come to telling others about my sexual orientation/gender identity. It was bad enough coming out as bisexual… Oh well. I’ll figure something out. In the mean time, I’m happy with the labels I choose to identify myself with.